you have the right to
by ni' fios ce' a chum
Summary: America lectures Britain about his rights. No pairings.


**you have the right to…**

"America," Britain said exasperatedly for what must have been the hundredth – no, _millionth_ – time in the past few minutes, "just sit down – _quietly_ , this time, mind you – and let us explain the situation to you. And don't interrupt again!"

America looked down from his precarious perch on top of the hanging light in the middle of the UN meeting room. "You can't make me," he told Britain stubbornly, gripping the light even tighter. "And you can't arrest me either! I know my rights!"

Britain gritted his teeth. " _Irrelevant_."

"Nuh-uh." America glared down at him. "My rights are completely relevant! They protect me from the government becoming too powerful and stuff, and from being taken advantage of! So there! The hero knows what he's talking about!"

Britain turned helplessly to Germany. "Do you by any chance have some aspirin?"

The blond nation cast a look over at a certain Italian, currently trying to create a house made from Greece's cats, and a certain Prussian, currently trying to write 'I AM AWESOME' with those same cats. Needless to say, this was causing some chaos. "Nein. I used my supply up about two hours ago." He glared over at the two troublemakers. "CEASE AND DESIST IMMEDIATELY!" His command went ignored, and the irate Germany began to stalk over to Italy and Prussia, shouting.

The sounds of creaking caused Britain to turn back to America, who was trying to escape using the ventilation system. As the nearest vent was a good few metres away, this plan wasn't working out so well for him.

"America, get _down_ from there, you idiot!"

America paused. "But then you'll just arrest me!" He resumed his attempts to escape.

"BLOODY HELL! DON'T MAKE ME GO GET A LADDER!"

"Look, I said I was sorry, okay? Nobody needs to make a big deal about it or anything!"

"Oh, I think we need to make a 'big deal' about it," a still-sulking Russia muttered from his position next to Britain. He suddenly brightened up and turned to Britain, smiling. "I will go get the ladder, da?"

Over America screaming 'DON'T LET HIM GET THE LADDER IGGY FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S HOLY PLEASE!' Britain managed to inform Russia that no, the ladder was not quite necessary. Yet.

Britain looked up to find the American glaring down at him, blue eyes narrowed ferociously. "I have my rights, you know!"

Britain's temper flared. "And just what are these bloody rights you keep blathering on about?"

America's chest swelled, and he straightened up, striking his 'hero pose.' "One: I totally have the right to bear arms!"

Britain opened his mouth to respond that, just because one had the right to bear arms in one's own country didn't mean that America could shoot Russia and get away with it when all weapons were strictly banned at the world meetings, but as usual, America barreled on without stopping.

"Two: no unreasonable search or seizure! That means," America squinted in what was probably meant to be a threatening manner towards Switzerland, but actually it just looked like Texas was due for a new prescription, "you totally can't just search me and take away all my weapons without a warrant or probable cause. Did I see a warrant? _No_. Not cool, dude."

"Shooting me is not probable cause enough for you?" Russia asked pleasantly, while drumming his fingers on the table. The Baltic Trio fled to the opposite side of the room.

America ignored this. "Three: I have the right to trial by an impartial jury!"

"I'm Switzerland. I'm the definition of impartial," Switzerland responded, examining his handgun, which was oh-so-subtly pointed at America. (Question: How did he get it into a World Meeting if all weapons are banned, one might ask? Answer: He's Switzerland. Why is this even a question?)

America eyed him. "Yeah, keep telling yourself that." He continued, "Fourth: I have the right to a speedy and public trial! It's been forever and I don't see any news cameras or reporters, which means it's not public, so this can't be a real trial!"

"America." Britain's tone was deadly. "It's been _five minutes_."

America blinked. "Didn't I just say that?"

As Britain began strangling an invisible America (and Canada moved farther away from him, just in case), America shouted, "Finally: no cruel or unusual punishment!"

Britain yelled, "And what part of this is cruel or unusual, you git?!"

America solemnly pointed at the untouched platter of scones in the middle of the table, and declared, "Iggy, your food is cruel and unusual punishment."

Britain sputtered, and France took the opportunity to smirk, lean his chair back, and say, "I agree with Amérique."

"SHUT UP YOU STUPID FROG!"

As the entire room dissolved into chaos, Germany took the opportunity to note to himself, "Memo to self: Cops and Robbers must never be allowed at a World Meeting again."

 _fin_

 **AN/Historical Tidbits:**

 **-In Britain, 'meter' is spelled 'metre.'**

 **-The rights that America is referring to here are actually a lot more complicated than how he describes them. They're all part of the Bill of Rights (more specifically the 2** **nd** **, 4** **th** **, 6** **th** **, and 8** **th** **Amendments) and are actually really important and interesting. But since this is Hetalia, and since I only came up with this story to help me remember five rights from the Bill of Rights for a test, they are probably not as accurate as they could be in their applications.**

 **-Cops and Robbers: A children's game in which there are two teams: the 'cops' and the 'robbers.' The cops attempt to catch the robbers and put them in jail; however, robbers who have not been tagged can create a jailbreak by tagging one of the prisoners. The game ends when all of the robbers have been caught and placed in jail. (I just thought that this would be a really funny game to have the nations play, because, well…just picture it. :) )**

 **-Also, technically 'impartial' and 'neutral' don't really mean the same thing (legally), but I think it works here. :)**


End file.
